Holy Humor

Holy Humor

Holy Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly, “It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’”

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” the lady answered.

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“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning!”

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign… “Energy-efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, Who does art in Heaven… ”

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

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Isn’t it interesting that people want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache… When you open it, he collapses… When he sees you reading it, he faints….. When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees…..

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Don’t change the way you are just to make somebody happy.

— Author Unknown

Meditation: A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, But by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken. – Proverbs 15:13

You will succeed in Jesus Name!

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Windshield Wiper Lesson from A Child

Windshield Wiper Lesson from A Child

Windshield Wiper Lesson from A Child

One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick.

Suddenly, my son Matthew spoke up from his relaxed position in the front seat.

“Mom, I’m thinking of something.”

This announcement usually meant he had been pondering some fact for a while and was now ready to expound all that his seven-year-old mind had discovered.

I was eager to hear. “What are you thinking?” I asked.

“The rain,” he began, “is like sin and the windshield wipers are like God, wiping our sins away.”

After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond. “That’s really good, Matthew.”

Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little boy take this revelation? So I asked, “Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?”

Matthew didn’t hesitate one moment with his answer: “We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us.”

Who can drive in the rain again without thinking of this one?

— Author Unknown

Meditation: But where sin abounded, grace abounded much moreRomans 5:20

You will succeed in Jesus Name!

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Of A Truth, Jesus Loves You

Of A Truth, Jesus Loves You

Jesus Loves You

Every Sunday afternoon, after the morning service at their church, the Pastor and his 11-year-old son would go out into their town and hand out gospel tracts. This particular Sunday afternoon, as it came time for the Pastor and his son to go to the streets with their tracts, it was very cold outside as well as pouring down rain. The boy bundled up in his warmest and driest clothes and said “Okay Dad, I’m ready.”

His Pastor Dad asked, “Ready for what?”

“Dad, it’s time we gather our tracts together and go out.”

Dad responds, “Son, it’s very cold outside and it’s pouring down rain.”

The boy gives his Dad a surprised look, asking, “But Dad, aren’t people still going to Hell, even though it’s raining?”

Dad answers, “Son, I am not going out in this weather.”

Despondently the boy asks, “Dad, can I go — Please?”

His father hesitated for a moment then said, “Son, you can go. Here are the tracts; be careful son.”

“Thanks, Dad!”

And with that, he was off and out into the rain. This 11-year-old boy walked the streets of the town going door-to-door and handing everybody he met in the street a gospel tract. After two hours of walking in the rain he was soaking, bone-chilled wet and down to his very last tract. He stopped on a corner and looked for someone to hand a tract to but the streets were totally deserted.

Then he turned toward the first home he saw and started up the sidewalk to the front door and rang the doorbell. He rang the bell — but nobody answered. He rang it, again and again, but still, no one answered. He waited but still no answer. Finally, this 11-year-old trooper turned to leave but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. He waited, something holding him there on the front porch. He rang again, and this time the door slowly opened. Standing in the doorway was a very sad-looking elderly lady.

She softly asked, “What can I do for you, son?”

With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world, this little boy said, “Ma’am, I’m sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU! I came to give you my very last gospel tract which will tell you all about Jesus and His great love.”

With that, he handed her his last tract and turned to leave. She called to him as he departed, “Thank you, son! And God bless you!”

Well, the following Sunday morning in church, Pastor Dad was in the pulpit and as the service began he asked, “Does anybody have a testimony or want to say anything?”

Slowly, in the back row of the church, an elderly lady stood to her feet. As she began to speak, a look of glorious radiance came from her face. “None of you in this church know me. I’ve never been here before. You see, before last Sunday I was not a Christian. My husband has passed on, some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world. Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more so in my heart as I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live.

“So I took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home. I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the roof then stood on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck. Standing on that chair, so lonely and broken-hearted, I was about to leap off when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me. I thought, ‘I’ll wait a minute, and whoever it is will go away.’

“I waited and waited — but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent and then the person ringing also started knocking loudly. I thought to myself again, ‘Who on earth could this be?! Nobody ever rings my bell or comes to see me!’

“I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the bell rang louder and louder. When I opened the door and looked I could hardly believe my eyes! There on my front porch was the most radiant and angelic little boy I had ever seen in my life! His smile! Oh, I could never describe it to you! And the words that came from his mouth caused my heart, which had long been dead, to leap to life as he exclaimed with a cherub-like voice, ‘Ma’am, I just came to tell you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU.’

“Then he gave me this tract that I now hold in my hand. As the little angel disappeared back out, into the cold and rain, I closed my door and read slowly every word of this tract. Then I went up to my attic to get my rope and chair. I wouldn’t be needing them anymore.

“You see, I am now a happy child of the KING, and since the address of your church was on the back of this gospel tract I have come here to personally say, ‘Thank you to God’s little angel who came just in the nick of time, and by so doing, spared my soul from an eternity in Hell.'”

There were now no dry eyes in the church. As shouts of praise and honor to the KING resounded off the very rafters of the building, Pastor Dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where the little angel was seated. He took him in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably.

Probably no church has had a more glorious moment and probably this Universe has never seen a Papa that was more filled with love and honor for his son, except for one:

This Father, God, also allowed His Son, Jesus, to go out into a cold and dark world. He received His Son back with joy unspeakable, and as all of Heaven shouted praises and honor to the King, the Father sat His beloved Son on a throne far above all principality and power and every name that is named.

There may be someone, reading this, who is also going through a dark, cold and lonely time in your soul. You may be a Christian, for we are not without problems, or you may not yet know the King. Whatever the case, and whatever the problem or situation you find yourself in, and no matter how dark it may seem, I want you to know that “JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU!”

— Author Unknown

Meditation: The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.”Jeremiah 31:3

You will succeed in Jesus Name!

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Getting Direction to His House

Getting Direction to His House

Getting to His House

Make a Right onto “Believeth Blvd.”

Keep straight and go through the Green Light, which is Jesus Christ.

From there, you must turn onto the “Bridge of Faith,” which is over troubled water.

When you get off the bridge, make a Right turn and Keep Straight.

You are on the “King’s Highway” – Heaven-bound.

Keep going for three miles: One for the Father, One for the Son, and One for the Holy Ghost.

Then exit off onto “Grace Blvd.”

From there, make a Right turn on “Gospel Lane.”

Keep Straight and then make another Right on “Prayer Blvd.”

As you go on your way, Yield Not to the traffic on “Temptation Ave.”

Also, avoid SIN STREET because it is a DEAD END.

Pass up “Envy Drive,” and “Have Avenue.”

Also, avoid “Hypocrisy Street,” “Gossiping Lane” and “Backbiting Blvd.”

But you have to go down “Long-suffering Lane”, “Persecution Blvd.” and “Trials and Tribulations Ave.”

But that’s all right, because VICTORY Blvd. is straight ahead!

— Author Unknown

Meditation: “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.”Matthew 7:13-14

You will succeed in Jesus Name!

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PUSH

PUSH

PUSH

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room was filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day.

For many years he toiled from sun up to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore, and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, the adversary decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man’s weary mind: “You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it.” Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. “Why kill myself over this?” he thought. “I’ll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort and that will be good enough.” And that is what he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

“Lord” he said, “I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?”

The Lord responded compassionately, “My son, when I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all, your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push, and now you come to me, with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. I, my friend, will now move the rock.”

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him…. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.

PUSH!

When everything seems to go wrong…just P.U.S.H!

When the job gets you down…just P.U.S.H!

When people don’t react the way you think they should…just P.U.S.H!

When your money looks funny and the bills are due…just P.U.S.H!

When you want to tell them off for whatever the reason…just P.U.S.H!

When people just don’t understand you…just P.U.S.H!

P.U.S.H — Pray Until Something Happens!

— Author Unknown

Meditation: So Samuel said: “Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, As in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, And to heed than the fat of rams.” – 1 Samuel 15:22

You will succeed in Jesus Name!

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Insights on Living from an Ancient

Insights on Living from an Ancient

Insights on Living from An Ancient

Come in,” he said to me, “So, you would like to interview Me?”

“If you have the time,” I said.

He smiled through his beard and said: “What questions do you have in mind to ask me?”

“None that are new to you. What’s the one thing that surprises you most about mankind?”

He answered: “That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.

That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived…”

His hands took mine and we were silent. After a long period, I said, “May I ask you another question?”

He replied with a smile.

“As a father, what would you ask your children to do for the New Year?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

To learn that it takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it.

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. There will be others better or worse than they are.

To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

To learn that they should control their attitudes, otherwise their attitudes will control them. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love and that it takes many years to heal them. To learn to forgive by practising forgiveness.

To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to show their feelings.

To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

To learn that while at times they may be entitled to be upset, that does not give them the right to upset those around them.

To learn that great dreams do not require great wings, but landing gear to achieve.

To learn that true friends are scarce, he/she who has found one has found a true treasure.

To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they forgive themselves.

To learn that they are masters of what they keep to themselves and slaves of what they say.

To learn that they shall reap what they plant; if they plant gossip they will harvest intrigues, if they plant love they will harvest happiness.

To learn that true happiness is not to achieve their goals but to learn to be satisfied with what they already achieved. To learn that happiness is a decision. They decide to be happy with what they are and have, or die from envy and jealousy of what they lack.

To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

To learn that those who are honest with themselves without considering the consequences go far in life.

To learn that even though they may think they have nothing to give when a friend cries with them, they find the strength to appease the pain.

To learn that by trying to hold on to love ones, they very quickly push them away; and by letting go of those they love, they will be side by side forever.

To learn that even though the word “love” has many different meanings, it loses value when it is overstated.

To learn that they can never do something extraordinary for Me to love them; I simply do.

To learn that the shortest distance they could be from Me is the distance of a prayer.”

— Author Unknown

Meditation: For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. – 1 Corinthians 1:21

You will succeed in Jesus Name!

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